It is uncomfortable to remember how unloved I felt as a little girl. It is a feeling of unease to recall the doubts, the fears and even the guilt for wanting to feel loved. By all normal standards, my family was good. Our home was modest, immaculate, and our hedges were neatly trimmed. My brother, sister and I went to private school, and attended church every Sunday morning. No one would have or could have known how detached, and dead I felt within our seemingly perfect little family.
In my heart I believe my mother was simply ill equipped to deal with a newborn at the age of 19. Not only was she entirely too young to have me, but the additional burden of being the child herself of not one but two alcoholics, as well as both siblings of hers being alcoholics, tipped the scales out of my favor for having a chance at a smooth welcoming. Empty herself, how could it have been possible for there have been anything left to give me?
As a young child of 9 or 10, I still very much wanted to feel connected to my mother. But by that time far too many power games had been played between she and I. Unfortunately when my mother was kind to me, for instance when neighbors or family was around, I did not trust in her kindness and more often than not made it obvious I did not. It was impossible for me to smile on her cue with all the sadness I felt towards her inside. As I got older that sadness turned to bitterness, which only intensified the distance and chill between us.
As a result of my growing animosity against her inability to make me feel loved or accepted by her, my attitude towards her began to become increasingly hostile as I approached the teenage years. It was a perplexing paradigm I found myself in. For so long I had craved her, and felt assaulted when it was me or our 'personality conflict' she gave blame to for her chill towards me. And then as I got older, I became the chill, which only reinforced her earlier portrayal of me and our relationship, whatever our relationship was.
When you don't know you are love, you tend to believe you are as others treat you. I had been told so often that I was a 'cold fish' or that I had a serious psychological issue, that I eventually became that which I had been labeled.
As a much wiser self I now see how critical it is to be aware of what labels we give others and especially our children. Deeper, I have also learned that my mother simply attracted to her what was in her vibrational non physical language, only my vibrational non physical self could understand. My mother's perception of me or her belief of what we were manifested in her physical reality. It was, as it always is whether we acknowledge it as so or not, the law of attraction working in our lives by our own default, and through our unconscious intents.
